his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
