where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
