At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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