it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
