Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
