I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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