I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
