I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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