ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
