dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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