I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
