Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
