i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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