I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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