I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
then he tried to convert me to islam
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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