just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
