Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
