So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
