turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
