I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize