i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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