Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize