you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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