What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
