dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
