And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
as a side note pls kill me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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