no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize