Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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