i think my mom watched the whole time
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
