So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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