she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
