Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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