i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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