did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
