Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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