saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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