I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
