toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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