she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
