My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
