Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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