I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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