Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
