That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
