my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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