I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
