This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
