I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
