I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
