In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
