I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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