my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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