I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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