We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize