There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
