My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My vagina is officially offended.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
