Even the bartender felt bad for me
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
