i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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