I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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