So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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