I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
third nipple confirmed
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
