I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
