My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
