I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
