Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
